Uncovering The Secrets Of Hogwarts
by BouncesLikeJaboc
Summary: Harry Potter refuses to believe a Muggle could have made millions off an invented biography years before he began school. But when Year 4 begins and events happen almost exactly, well, to the book, Harry wonders if maybe JK's predictions were right...


_Harry's in for a shock when he realises that JK Rowling has predicted the future…_

_(Disclaimer: I am obviously not JK. And I'm not slating her … I idolise the her, so why would I??!)_

**Uncovering the Secrets of Hogwarts**

'Again. The bloody fool did it _again_.' Dumbledore sighed angrily.

His head appeared out of the fire and he shook ashes out of his beard. I was sitting at the other end of the office, leaning against the large mahogany wood desk, legs dangling off the end as I twirled a Quick Quotes Quill around in my hands. I was trying to write my memoirs, to be called 'The Boy Who Lived'. Or, I'd wanted to call them that but some complete fool living in the Muggle world beat me to it and was making millions off _my_ story. I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair. Fools…

'Who?'. I popped a piece of Drooble's into my mouth and started chewing. A bubble as big as my head, that was what I wanted. No, no, bigger than that….

'JK-bloody-Rowling, that's what!' Dumbledore growled.

'Course.' I'd only been in Hogwarts, for, what, three and a bit years and already anybody who could read knew I was the Boy Who Lived. Of course I lived. I'm Harry Potter for Christ's sake.

'Except, this time I DIE and you go and turn out to be part of bloody Voldemort and then you marry Ginny Weasley…'

I swallowed the Drooble's and choked for several minutes.

'_What?! _Ginny? As in, Ron's sister?'

Dumbledore nodded the affirmative. Then continued to nod. And nodded…. The Rowling girl had gotten a few facts wrong. More than a few. Dumbledore, for instance, was far from brilliant. Brilliantly insane, more like. He kept nodding. I threw the Quill at him and he began shrugging and nodding. Shrug, nod, shrug, nod….

'What happened in the fourth one again?' I asked, popping another piece of Drooble's into my mouth.

'Err…. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. The Triwizard Tournament.' Worse still, Rowling insisted on using my name in the titles. Like people were going to _forget _who I was. Am, even.

'Are we staging the tournament this year, then?'

'Sure, sure.' Dumbledore

'Great.' I checked my watch. 'Best be going, then, Professor. It's dinnertime.'

'Yes, yes… carry on, young Harry…' He started laughing like a lunatic. I retreated out of the office and walked backwards down the stairs.

'Hi Harry.' I turned to see Cedric Diggory walking towards me.

'Hi, Cedric.' I mumbled, and tried to keep walking. I'd said hello to him, like, once and he'd been in awe ever since. Cedric tossed his hair and fell into step beside me.

'So…' He said.

'So… Dinnertime. Halloween feast. Treacle tart for dessert.' I said. Conversations with Cedric always went like this. It was his own fault: he liked his whole strong, silent type reputation.

'Good.' He said, then smiled.

I looked around wildly for someone to tear me away from him and saw Fred and George walking down the stairs.

'Fred! George!' I called and practically ran into them.

'Harry! Just the man we wanted to see!'

'Why does that frighten me?'

The twins laughed.

' We have a little Halloween surprise for tonight.' They said in unison.

That always freaked me out. The twins using 'surprise' in a sentence and saying things in unison. It could only end in a trip to the infirmary.

I found myself in the Great Hall and waved goodbye to the twins. They sat down either side of Angelina and yelled 'BOO!' really loudly. She squealed and smacked them both upside the head.

'HARRY!' Hermione called. Hermione was smart, just like the Rowling girl said. But she'd gotten a few things wrong. First, Hermione was exceptionally blonde, in every sense of the word. And second, she was popular. I fought my way through the crowd of boys circling her and sat down. Ron was sitting dejectedly on her other side.

'What, Ron?'

'Trekkullart suuuhk immm maaeeh teppf.' He responded.

'I'm sorry?'

'He got treacle tart stuck in his teeth.' Hermione explained. Hoards of Ravenclaw boys were trying to tempt her with Halloween treats, but she was waving them away impatiently.

'Oh right.'

I grabbed a handful of chips off the plate in front of me and looked for something edible. I gave up and dumped the entire bowl of chips onto my plate, just as a tiny first year managed to stretch far enough across the table to reach them.

'Too slow.' I said. She sagged back down into her seat, a pout forming on her lips. Ugh.

Ron cleared his throat.

'Aaareee… shhhoooo uucknin aaah ooo.'

'What?'

He pointed behind him and I turned. Cho Chang was sitting at a table across the hall, looking in our direction. Oh. 'Cho's looking at you.' I smiled and ran a hand through my hair. I took my hand away and looked at it. Chip grease. Ugh… Cho sort of nodded and looked away.

She so wanted me.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Dumbledore stand up.

'SILLEEENNCE!' He bellowed. I looked at him and he sort of winked. Or at least I thought he did; it looked more like a nervous twitch.

'Students, due to certain… _events_ that have happened in recent years,' he began. I heard 'Rowling' coughed out by Fred and George who were a few seats down from me. Several people laughed but Dumbledore glared until they shut up again.

'It appears it is only fitting for us to hold the TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT this year!' He bellowed. Filch ran forwards with a covered object in his hands. Dumbledore threw off the cover with a flick of his wand and the Triwizard cup was revealed.

'Schools in competition are -'

'Hogwarts, Beaubatons and Durmstrang.' The entire hall chorused back. They'd all read the books. Hypocrites. What was wrong with waiting for my own, accurate (If slightly biased) memoirs?

'H - oh. Yes.' Dumbledore began nodding. He leaped down off the platform he always stood on and ran to the doors. Filch ran alongside him. It was a comical OAP race to the doors of the Great Hall. Dumbledore won and he threw them open with a flourish. He was almost trampled by the boys of Durmstrang running in. They had staffs in their hands and some plank all bundled up in fur coats and a stupid flapped hat brought up the rear.

Oh.

Not some stupid plank. Victor Krum.

'Arree! Wiccfeerrr UUM!' Ron exclaimed.

'Hermione, for God's sake, do _something _about the treacle tart!' I said, exasperated.

'Hmm?' She asked. A Gryffindor boy was whispering something in her other ear. She giggled.

'Never mind.'

Dumbledore managed to run back towards the platform before a herd of Beaubatons girls floated in. Ron's jaw would have hit the floor if he could have opened it. Instead he just stared. I heard Seamus making a crass comment about the Headmistress.

'The Triwizard Tournament will only accept students age seventeen or older.' Dumbledore said.

What? Wasn't I supposed to get in somehow? What did that book say… Oh. Mad Eye was supposed to turn up. I'd read the first five chapters then got bored and frustrated. All lies.

The Great Hall doors crashed open again. Everybody turned and stared. Mad Eye Moody, in the flesh. Or what was left of him; he was a complete mess.

Silence fell across the hall, and then a Gryffindor boy stood up and chucked a pumpkin pasty at him.

'OY! YOU TRIED TO KILL HARRY!' he shouted.

In a matter of seconds, Hogwarts first ever food fight broke out.

***

**A/N**: And thanks for reading! It's random, I know. I couldn't get to sleep last night and this is what happened…. Over-active imagination, much? I thought Harry might be more comical if he was full of himself, so he's only going to get worse from here!

**Up next**: The results from the Goblet of Fire come in… and Harry's in for a shock!

Reviews, please, guys, they're much appreciated!

Slan!

~ Carley


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